99. A Stage of Loneliness

1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:10,000 Do you enjoy it? Do you enjoy working from the trenches, working your way up and escaping? 2 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:19,000 Do you enjoy going to the gym at 6 in the morning, waking up at 5 a.m., waking up at 4 a.m., 3 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:28,000 waking up four hours before everyone else? Do you enjoy having no rest time in the day at all? 4 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:38,000 Do you enjoy having a full schedule? Do you enjoy having no one to talk to? 5 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:44,000 No one to talk to for real? Do you enjoy constantly being up beat because that's 6 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:50,000 Transurfing Principle? Do you enjoy having no rest time? 7 00:00:50,000 --> 00:01:06,000 Do you enjoy having to be on the edge all the time because you have to keep up with the demand? 8 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:10,000 These are all the questions that I'm asking myself lately. 9 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:22,000 I got done with my meditation and then I came downstairs just tired. 10 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:44,000 Few words were on my mind like burnout, rest, loneliness and I went down to open my notebook to write some notes and nothing would come out. 11 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:55,000 Which has been a normal occurrence lately. No notes are coming out and I suspect it's because I've just been doing the same thing every day. 12 00:01:55,000 --> 00:02:02,000 So I've kind of used up all of the stuff that I am talking about because I'm not changing anything. 13 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:12,000 Like back during summertime, every once in a while I'd go to the mall or I would go to the park and then I would do things different. 14 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:16,000 And I would get new epiphanies often. 15 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:33,000 But I've just been in like the monotony of life and the grind of just getting through the day every day, getting through the week, getting through the month, and finally getting through the school year. 16 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:42,000 So I just got into the monotony of life every day is the same for me. And there was one thing that was holding me up. 17 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:51,000 Like one thing keeping me good and keeping me getting new content to talk about. 18 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:57,000 And that was, I was reading Transurfing. And that was a book that I was very familiar with. 19 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:07,000 And I was getting new epiphanies every single day from that because I already had like a baseline familiarity with it. 20 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:12,000 I just wanted to expand my knowledge and I was taking a lot of notes. 21 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:26,000 So that book was exactly what like really got me through the first like semester or the first quarter of my senior year. 22 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:37,000 And I'm talking in regards to this podcast. It's what got me through and got me having enough things to talk about on the show. 23 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:41,000 And then I feel like I've lost myself somewhere. 24 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:51,000 Because once I started reading the Dancing After The Music stops, 25 00:03:51,000 --> 00:04:00,000 I remember just reading it in the morning being so like amazed at what life can actually be like. 26 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:05,000 And then once I was done reading it, like I would always read it before school. 27 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:13,000 So I'd read until 7.20 and then once that clock hit 7.20, I had to get up and go to school, 28 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:22,000 force myself to go somewhere I didn't want to be, force myself to do stuff that I didn't want to do. 29 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:33,000 And I remember getting these like really like sad, sadness in my head. 30 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:48,000 Just like low regard. I was like upbeat and I was excited for like the day for my life during, like when I'm reading and after school I am. 31 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:54,000 But then once it's time to go to school, like my mind instantly shifts to another level. 32 00:04:54,000 --> 00:05:02,000 And it just turns into like mush, essentially. 33 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:08,000 And then I started reading Die Wise. 34 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:13,000 And to be honest, it's like very foreign to me. 35 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:18,000 Like I don't understand, I've never really thought about any of the topics on it. 36 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:24,000 And I'm not quite sure if I'm really comprehending much of it. 37 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:29,000 Because I don't really know if my reading situation is very good anymore. 38 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:37,000 When I was reading Transurfing and actually I've had my reading like Den is in my room. 39 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:42,000 And it's in my room because it's isolated and I don't get distractions. 40 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:47,000 Like I don't have my family trying to talk to me while I'm reading. 41 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:55,000 And it worked for the past couple of months. I've been doing it for maybe like three or four months. 42 00:05:55,000 --> 00:06:04,000 And then just like slowly but surely I am just kind of drudging away in my reading. 43 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:08,000 I'm still reading, it's just very slow. 44 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:14,000 And I don't feel as like inspired. 45 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,000 Like my, I don't know what's with it. 46 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:24,000 There's a lot of things like going downhill right now in my, just everything all around. 47 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:27,000 And I'm not really, I'm not sure like what to do about it. 48 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:33,000 I'm not sure what's causing it. I don't know like what to do. 49 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,000 And there's one thing that's on my mind that's lingering. 50 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:40,000 I'm struggling to keep up with daily episodes. 51 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:49,000 Like today I was sitting down here for like 15 minutes trying to just come up with something to say. 52 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:57,000 And then, and then the thing that's on my mind is I'm going on vacation next month, which is good. 53 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,000 I definitely need that rest. 54 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,000 But I plan on actually using it as rest. 55 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:08,000 So that means that I have to get some episodes published before then. 56 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:16,000 So I can like be prepared and not have to record there. 57 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:20,000 So that's like a whole thing. 58 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:26,000 I am barely able to keep up with daily, daily content. 59 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:37,000 And then I have to somehow figure out how to get enough content for seven extra episodes on top of what I'm already doing. 60 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:45,000 Which might actually need to be nine extra episodes because I'm going out of town the weekend before. 61 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:50,000 So that might be on my mind. 62 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,000 I don't know. 63 00:07:52,000 --> 00:08:01,000 And another thing that's on my mind is I haven't done cardio and I feel like my mind is like losing its sharpness. 64 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:13,000 That may be like, that may be a reason why I am not as like focused during my reading times. 65 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:21,000 And it may be another reason why my mind just is not working as like clearly as it was a couple months ago. 66 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:30,000 I haven't done cardio and I know that cardio is very important just for the quality of my life in general. 67 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:34,000 And it affects like all areas. 68 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,000 So that's another thing. 69 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:43,000 I'm just like, I'm just doing the same thing every day. 70 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:46,000 Just it's just monotony. 71 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,000 And so I want to talk about burnout. 72 00:08:49,000 --> 00:09:01,000 I'm not really sure if this is what burnout is or maybe I just need a rest and rest is overdue. 73 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:09,000 Because like I said, I haven't really had a rest extended period of time off of podcasting. 74 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:14,000 And even if it was like a few days off, it wasn't really rest. 75 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:24,000 It was just me going out of town to Ohio to visit my extended family and I don't consider that rest. 76 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,000 So rest is needed. 77 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:31,000 And I was sitting outside today. 78 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,000 Today is October and in Chicago. 79 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:40,000 Usually it's like pretty chilly outside and it was all week. 80 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:44,000 And then today it was 84 degrees outside. 81 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:56,000 So it was pretty warm and I was like cooking my food and then I went outside to just relax for the little time that I had in the day to relax while the chicken was cooking. 82 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:59,000 And it was literally only like eight minutes. 83 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:06,000 And I was just laying back there in the sun on like the lawn chair in my back porch. 84 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:11,000 And I definitely need, I need rest. 85 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:15,000 I'm not quite sure what to do. 86 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:20,000 I'm not quite sure like, I don't know. 87 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:26,000 Things just are not going as well as I expected them to be. 88 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:31,000 And it's not because like I'm not, I don't have many viewers on the podcast. 89 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:44,000 It's just like, I thought that I was going to be able to just grind out the rest of the school year for me and just be able to crank out daily one hour episodes just like that. 90 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:53,000 And to be honest, I definitely can't, I know I can't. I just need to get some like new information and new insights in my day. 91 00:10:53,000 --> 00:11:00,000 And I feel like that's my biggest flaw right now is I, like I said, every day is the same. 92 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:05,000 So how can I expect to get brand new information if every single day is the same? 93 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:18,000 How can I expect to speak one more hour on information and content if every single day is the same so I'm not really learning anything new? 94 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:29,000 Like the only difference in my day, there is none except in the mornings when I'm reading, I get a little further along in my books. 95 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:40,000 But at the moment, I'm only reading Die Wise, which is a good book, but I don't understand it so I can't really talk on it during the episode. 96 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:53,000 And I have like a bunch of notes written down, but it's just me like copying text from the book that just sounded like good quotes. 97 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:57,000 And I don't really understand like the meaning and the depth behind them. 98 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:06,000 Like it worked copying down random quotes from Transurfing because I actually understood them because I had read the book before. 99 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:13,000 And I actually understood like the concept and just everything. 100 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:20,000 I understood a baseline of that book so I could copy down random quotes and then speak on them. 101 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:27,000 Like I was able to write down one quote and then speak on it for like five to ten minutes. 102 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:31,000 And that's what I did for the Transurfing Principles episodes. 103 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,000 And that is definitely like that worked. 104 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:46,000 And I use those Transurfing Principles episodes as my double episode days, which I don't have anything like that right now to prepare for the upcoming vacation. 105 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:58,000 Like for, I would basically get a bunch of notes and then do a Transurfing Principles episode and get like one extra, basically do a double episode day. 106 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:08,000 And then I would add those up until I was actually at like enough episodes recorded, like pre-scheduled. 107 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:19,000 And right now I only have seven and I need like 14 episodes to be able to actually not have to worry about recording. 108 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:30,000 I could do like eight or nine episodes, but then I would have to figure out, I'd be in the same situation where I'd figure, I have to figure it out once I get back. 109 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:36,000 So I'm not quite sure if that would really work. 110 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:40,000 So I want to talk about the resistance. 111 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:56,000 So this is a concept that I had understood for quite some time, but it was given a name in like, I was told what the concept is called at Funnel Hacking Live. 112 00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:08,000 The first speech or the first kind of talk was Russell Brunson. He was talking about the resistance versus the calling. 113 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:15,000 The calling is like, it's not, it doesn't really matter for these purposes of this argument. 114 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:27,000 So the resistance is basically things that your mind, it's your mind trying to hold you back. 115 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:38,000 So whenever you're trying to do something and you don't want to or your mind says, no, don't do that, even though you know you should do it. 116 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,000 That's the resistance. 117 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:51,000 Like yesterday I recorded, I had to record the TikToks after recording the podcast episode. 118 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:56,000 And I remember one of the TikToks was supposed to be about discipline. 119 00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:03,000 And so I looked at what it was about and I was like, okay, what should the hook be? 120 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:19,000 And so the hook was, I figured out what the hook was because I like the hook of that episode was, did you know that I didn't want to record this episode? 121 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:30,000 And which was true because I was sitting here watching my episode, like the podcast episode edit and then schedule. 122 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:37,000 And I knew that I had to record these TikToks, which would take like less than five minutes, but I just didn't want to do it. 123 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,000 That's the resistance. 124 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:49,000 And it was good because I made a good hook and a good episode or a good short form video, good TikTok out of it. 125 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:53,000 But that's the resistance and everyone experiences the resistance. 126 00:15:53,000 --> 00:16:00,000 It's just those who ignore it and do it anyways that actually get success. 127 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:10,000 And there's, so pretty much courage is having fear but doing it anyways. 128 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:17,000 And the way I like to think of discipline is experiencing the resistance but doing it anyways. 129 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:23,000 So pretty much discipline is you doing something when you don't want to do it. 130 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,000 Like that's discipline. 131 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:31,000 So I use discipline like that short where I said, did you know I didn't want to record this? 132 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:35,000 I ended up saying like that was a short about discipline. 133 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:49,000 And so I like went on and said that I did it because I have discipline and I taught how to actually build discipline by taking cold showers. 134 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,000 So that's kind of what I'm running off right now. 135 00:16:52,000 --> 00:17:04,000 I remember even like a couple weeks ago, I was like running off of motivation because that is exactly what I was inspired to do. 136 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:09,000 I was inspired to record my episodes and I was excited to get down here and record. 137 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:16,000 But then something changed like now I'm just running off of discipline and I'm not quite sure like what changed. 138 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:26,000 I don't really know what is like what I'm doing wrong because I know that there is definitely something wrong. 139 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:35,000 Like there's a lot of inner tension going on in my like heart right now, but I'm not sure like what to do about it. 140 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,000 So I'm just running off of discipline right now. 141 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:50,000 And there is one moment today when I was laying on the couch just before my chicken had like so there's multiple times when I'm cooking my chicken. 142 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:54,000 When I have like a brief moment to just sit and relax. 143 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:58,000 And so the one when I was out in the lawn chair was one of the moments. 144 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:03,000 It was later in the day, but or later in the like couple minutes later. 145 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:10,000 But the first moment that I had was like five minutes maybe or 10 minutes maybe. 146 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:20,000 And I was laying on the couch just laying with my dog and I was like really relaxed and I was just laying there just enjoying the moment. 147 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:30,000 And then the timer went off for the chicken and I was like, I just said this one phrase in my head, go, go, go. 148 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,000 Like it's all just go, go, go. 149 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:37,000 Like my day is just constantly going, going, going. 150 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,000 I don't have any time to rest. 151 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:44,000 Like during the summer I have like all morning. 152 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:55,000 I remember I would go to the park at like nine o'clock in the morning and I wouldn't come home until like 10 or it was usually like 11 or 1130. 153 00:18:55,000 --> 00:19:03,000 So I had like two hours just to be outside in nature, to be outside in the sun in the grass. 154 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:12,000 But then I stopped doing that like slowly, but surely I stopped doing that during the school year. 155 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,000 And I haven't done it in quite some time. 156 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:32,000 So pretty much I haven't really had any like downtime that's longer than like five or 10 minutes in the past couple weeks, which is definitely an issue because I like I'm able to get through this through discipline. 157 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,000 But why would I put myself through that? 158 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:41,000 Why would I just drudge away because it's definitely affecting my podcast episodes. 159 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:56,000 Like this today's episode is all about like how I don't want to be doing this anymore, which is like systemically a bad episode. 160 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,000 But I feel like it's part of the journey. 161 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:10,000 I feel like people are definitely going to be having down days and I should be documenting my off days just as much as my like up days or my good days. 162 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:18,000 And the issue is that I don't have rest. 163 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:26,000 Like going back to that story of when I was laying on the couch with my dog and then the timer went off and I got up and I was like, go, go, go. 164 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:33,000 Like I was in a very, I was really relaxed laying down there and I knew that it was only going to last a few minutes. 165 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:42,000 And then the timer went off and I was like, go, go, go. Just like kind of annoyed at what I'm doing. 166 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:47,000 And it's annoying because I have the discipline to actually push through it. 167 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:52,000 But it's also like not enjoyable. 168 00:20:52,000 --> 00:21:07,000 Like I find that I'm just doing the same exact things every day, which I'm used to. I usually do like the same morning routine every day, pretty much for the past couple of years. 169 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:14,000 But this past like two months, I really vamped it up. 170 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:23,000 Like usually I would have the same morning routine. I would do the same thing from the moment I wake up until I get to school. 171 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:30,000 And actually at school, I would do the same thing also because that's the nature of school. 172 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,000 But then after school, I would pretty much do whatever I wanted. 173 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:46,000 Usually it was reading, which ended up being the same thing, but at least it was like, I didn't have like the obligation to do same things over and over and over again. 174 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:57,000 But during this past school year, I wake up, do the same morning routine, and then I go to school, same school routine. 175 00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:08,000 And then I come home or actually I'd go to the gym, same gym routine, and then I come home, eat same thing, and then I would meditate same thing. 176 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:11,000 And I would do all this at the same exact time. 177 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:15,000 Like I'd always get in my room and start meditating at 2.30. 178 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:25,000 And then once I was done meditating, I just drank my nighttime supplements in a water. 179 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:33,000 And then go straight downstairs and then start the episode no later than like 3.30. 180 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:45,000 And then once I was done with the episode, I would like edit, do all that stuff, record the shorts, and then I would come upstairs no later than 5 o'clock. 181 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:58,000 And then I would go to my nighttime routine and then go to bed no later than 6.15 or 6.20. 182 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:07,000 And that's like just monotony written all over. I do the same exact thing every day. I'm like a robot. 183 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:21,000 And I've convinced myself that this is like what successful looks like. This is like I took on the persona, the identity of a successful person, 184 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:31,000 and I just assume that this is what successful people do. They have like very good routines. 185 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:42,000 Which I'm not sure. Like I don't know. And there was one day when I was on my phone on YouTube because I was posting my episodes. 186 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:54,000 And when I load up YouTube, my like recommended feed shows up, but usually I just ignore it and then go quickly to my profile and then post my videos. 187 00:23:54,000 --> 00:24:07,000 Because I'm not interested in watching the videos. But this one day I like had a glimpse of the YouTube feed and there was one episode that was recommended to me. 188 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:13,000 And it was an Alex Hormozzi episode, or there is an Alex Hormozzi video on YouTube. 189 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:24,000 And it basically said something about like what it was something about how routines are actually bad and they're not helping you. 190 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:34,000 And I didn't click on it. I didn't watch it. Maybe I should have watched it because that sounds like exactly what I need to watch at this time. 191 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:45,000 But it's interesting because right now I'm like I have an extremely strict routine and I'm kind of feeling the negative effects of it. 192 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:57,000 Yeah, it's definitely helping me be productive. It's definitely helping me make sure that I get all of these like things checked off on my day. 193 00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:14,000 Every single day, but to what end? Like at what point will I switch? What point will things happen? What point will change happen? 194 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:26,000 Like I tell myself once I get like successful, but where is that? Like when is that going to happen and what does that look like? 195 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:38,000 Like I tell myself once I get 100 followers on my podcast, I'm going to start actually working on the business side of things. 196 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:50,000 What will actually make me money? But then once I actually get that right now, like I said, I have an extremely strict routine. 197 00:25:50,000 --> 00:26:02,000 Like I have no time in my day. How am I going to find the time to work on the business? How am I going to find the time for that? 198 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:15,000 Because if I'm grinding away and I have zero time on the weekdays and then the weekend comes and I just need to relax like over these past couple weekends, 199 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:22,000 I've literally been taking like two hour naps because I'm so like burnt. 200 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:31,000 As you go, do my normal morning routine and then until eight o'clock, until nine o'clock. 201 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:41,000 No, eight o'clock. Do it until eight o'clock and then I start my nap. I take a nap and I don't like, sometimes I send alarm, 202 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:50,000 but usually when I send alarm, I turn it off. It's like a 26 minute alarm. I turn it off and just go back to bed. 203 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:59,000 So I've been taking like two hour naps. So that's pretty much like half of the day. Just a sleep, which is definitely good. 204 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:13,000 It's like good rest, but where will I find any time for any of this stuff? Right now, like over the past couple of months, 205 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:24,000 I told myself that this is all I need to be doing. All I need to worry about is the podcast. Just post daily, every day for the next year. 206 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:37,000 That's it. But I'm almost on episode 100 and I haven't seen like any growth. I actually lost growth. 207 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:52,000 Like last month, I had 362 downloads, I think, which at the time I didn't realize that that meant that I had an average of like 11 or 10 and a half downloads per day. 208 00:27:52,000 --> 00:28:05,000 Like I just thought that I had like six or seven downloads per day. That meant that there was a few days in September where I had like more downloads, 209 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:14,000 like 50 downloads or something like that in a day. But then this month has been like a really big downhill. 210 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:27,000 So far, it's the 24th of October and I only have like 260 or 220 downloads. 211 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:39,000 So I'm not really worried about the numbers because the difference between 360 and 260 doesn't really matter because they're both really low. 212 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:50,000 So it doesn't really matter if I lose downloads. It doesn't matter if I go down to like 20 downloads in a month because it's all the same. 213 00:28:50,000 --> 00:29:00,000 Like it's both really low numbers. So like, yeah, there's a difference but not too big of a difference. 214 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:10,000 Once you start getting like the big numbers like thousands of downloads or tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, then that's where it actually starts to go uphill. 215 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:23,000 Like if I got 100 followers that listened to every single one of my episodes, then that's like 3000 downloads a month. 216 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:38,000 So what like, what do you think 300 or 3000? Because 300 is 10 and 3000 is 100 followers. 217 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:50,000 And even like 100 followers is not that much in the grand scheme of things. You're probably not going to be making, you're probably not going to be running a huge business off of that. 218 00:29:50,000 --> 00:30:06,000 So I don't know, maybe what I was saying the other day about how if I was in it for more than just the money, then I wouldn't have any issue pushing forward. 219 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:12,000 Maybe that's my issue. Maybe I'm worried about the money because that brings me to the next point. 220 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:30,000 There's no, I feel really lonely. There's no one around me to talk to. Like I don't have any, anyone to talk to about my current situation because everyone I'm just surrounded by average mediocrity. 221 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:48,000 So no one really knows like what's going on. And I feel like I just have to go on this journey myself. And one thing, one habit that I am very not happy about having is I'm very closed. 222 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:55,000 So if people are interested in like hearing about my life, I'm very close. I lie all the time. 223 00:30:55,000 --> 00:31:09,000 And I don't tell anyone about anything because I'm trying to protect myself. I don't want people to, I don't want to have to get into a big conversation about all that stuff. 224 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:16,000 And then I'm thinking like, how come I'm just in a sea of mediocrity where no one even knows what's going on. 225 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:28,000 Like I look left and right around me and I just have to go on like it's just a normal day. I'm like all alone. I feel extremely lonely throughout the day. 226 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:49,000 And I feel like almost let down or I feel like I've been missing out on a big part of life. Because if you grow up in mediocrity, but then you choose to be great and successful, 227 00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:58,000 well then no one around you is going to be able to relate. So you're kind of like that odd fish that is off in the corner doing their own thing. 228 00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:06,000 And then when you start to struggle, you just have to struggle alone and in your just because no one knows like how to help you. 229 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:16,000 And to be honest, no one wants to help you. Everyone's worried about their own averageness, mediocre. 230 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:31,000 And so I feel like I've like missed out. I feel like a piece of life has been taken away from me because I'm missing out from being in a community where people are like minded. 231 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:46,000 Like so far I've only met like one or two people. And to be honest, I don't talk to them that often. I've only met like one or two people in my life that are on a similar journey to me. 232 00:32:46,000 --> 00:33:00,000 And even then I realized that we're all three of us are in on completely different journeys. And so even then I still have a hard time like talking to them about like my stuff. 233 00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:11,000 And it's also another thing. You don't have any role model for success. Like no one, no one shows me what success looks like. 234 00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:20,000 No one has showed me what greatness looks like. No one, no one showed me how to be great. So I'm left on my own to figure it out, which is fine. 235 00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:41,000 But that's another thing I feel like I was robbed. Just growing up, I feel like I was robbed because all around me, as I'm like learning more and more and enveloping this identity more and more of success. 236 00:33:41,000 --> 00:34:07,000 And like taking in this new identity of being a successful person. There's no one to talk to. And like that's a huge, like that may be another huge burden that's placed on me because I'm just over here in my own like area in my own like corner of my life. 237 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:27,000 No one around me that I just have to figure it all out myself. So maybe some of you guys are in a situation like that too. Just know that you're not alone. And I feel alone because I don't know of anyone else that's in a situation like this. 238 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:38,000 So I wrote some notes down and I pretty much got, okay, so. 239 00:34:38,000 --> 00:35:01,000 And one of the biggest burdens of it all is I don't have any, I feel like I have no room to make mistakes. And when I make mistakes, especially like in days like this when I'm like lower level energy, low, like motivation, everything. 240 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:27,000 Then I feel like I've kind of just completely failed my mission. Like today, like lately I've my mental control, like my mental game, the mental side of things has been like not very controlled, like I haven't really been controlling my thoughts, my attention, not nearly as much as I want to be. 241 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:40,000 And I feel like I'm like losing my goal. Like today I was, I spent like the whole day. Yeah, here and there I was like controlling my thoughts. 242 00:35:40,000 --> 00:36:05,000 But I spent like the majority of the day, even like this whole past week, today and yesterday, I spent the majority of my time just not thinking about my goal. Like there's a lot of the day that goes by where I don't think about my goal. And remember, in the locker room today at the gym, I was like, don't I just told myself don't forget about my order. 243 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:18,000 Don't forget about your order. Because I brought my note card that I talked about yesterday of my goal. I wrote down my entire goal on a note card. 244 00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:42,000 And I brought that with me to school and then to the gym. And I saw like my note card and I just realized that I hadn't thought about it, like, very often. And so I said, don't forget about your order, because I'm not thinking about it nearly as much as I like want to be, or nearly as much as I think I should be in order to actually achieve it. 245 00:36:42,000 --> 00:37:00,000 Because that's one of the first principles that I learned from Napoleon Hill. I haven't really studied him that much, but I just from the little bits of information that I picked up from him is one of the things is you have to have a burning desire to actually achieve your goal. 246 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:13,000 And I question if I even have that, I just have discipline. Like that's all I have. I don't have a burning desire to achieve it. But then like, like I don't have a burning desire to achieve it. 247 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:39,000 But when things happen, like throughout my day, and I see things that I, and I experienced things that I don't want to experience. And it's like a lot of private stuff that I can't, I don't want to like share, because it relates my personal life, which I that's another thing like I want to be able to tell all the stuff. 248 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:57,000 But other people have placed rules upon what I share on my podcast, like they've controlled my show. And I'm respecting it for now. Until I break free and live on my own, then it's all fair game. 249 00:37:57,000 --> 00:38:14,000 But like, during the day, like I still see many different like just terrible sites, just mediocrity written all over it. And it's just disgusting to see. And I'm just like, this is where I'm headed. 250 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:30,000 But I also don't like I'm like, if, if, if I'm left on my default path, that's where I'm headed because that's the nature of things. If, if there's no intervention by me, that's where I'm headed. 251 00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:58,000 And mediocrity. And then I am intervening, I am doing my own stuff, I am changing things. But I'm just using discipline. Like I don't, the only times I have a burning desire to escape is when I'm like at one of those low moments, when like things are not going right, 252 00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:19,000 or, or at least like when I really want to say just whenever I see people that I'm close to just like on their phones at like four in the morning, just staring at it, looking like zombies. 253 00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:38,000 When I see people playing video games, like just all day. It's like, though at those moments, that's when I really want to leave. I really want to make it. 254 00:39:38,000 --> 00:40:00,000 And I was, I knew that this like senior year is probably going to be the hardest year mentally. I was aware of that going in because from the moment that I realized like that I wanted to escape, like the moment that I kind of so pretty much my journey, 255 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:14,000 I started becoming more aware of things when I started reading. And like, like I've said in the previous episodes, the first book that I really started to become aware of, like this system that we're in is a book called unscripted. 256 00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:30,000 And I realized that if I was left to my own like default, if I was left without my personal intervention, then I was headed for the slow lane. And I didn't want that. 257 00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:49,000 But I kind of just put that in the like back corner of like my intentions, so I could focus on like my own personal development and reading about other stuff. And then like I got to the point where I was reading about estrogenics, like a book called extra generation. 258 00:40:49,000 --> 00:41:03,000 And I was trying to make all these changes in my lifestyle and switch out a lot of products for like healthier, more natural products. And it got to the point where it was like too expensive. 259 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:27,000 And like I couldn't, since I didn't have any income, I didn't have like people didn't want to like buy all the stuff for me. And so what I realized then and there was like I've reached kind of the peak of progressing my health from where I'm at. 260 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:40,000 So now what I need to do to like progress my health more is work on business and improve my income and actually start making money. So I knew that I had to start making money. 261 00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:53,000 And then I started reading books like dot com secrets, expert secrets. And then I started reading books more about like Transurfing and worldview and stuff like that. 262 00:41:53,000 --> 00:42:16,000 So I was learning about like all this stuff. Financial freedom, how to make a business. I was learning about worldview and how most people have are in this system of thought, like their thoughts are keeping them trapped in a cage. 263 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:35,000 And I understood like, especially during summer, once I started becoming more and more conscious of like the reality of what I'm in, once I started becoming more and more conscious of just the position that I'm in right now, I realized like, oh, it's actually, this is actually like, I don't like this. 264 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:53,000 And I started being more aware of had things happening around me that no one thinks any like no one's none the wiser. People just think that it's normal. And I thought it was normal as well until it was brought to my attention that this stuff is actually bad. 265 00:42:53,000 --> 00:43:11,000 And so slowly was surely over summer, it got like bad and bad and bad. They started getting my mental started, I had to build my mental control my mental fortitude more and more to keep up with my raising consciousness. 266 00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:26,000 I was becoming more and more conscious of all of like the just poison around me. And I'm not just talking about physical poison, I'm talking about mental poison, just seeing all the mediocrity around me. 267 00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:43,000 So then I reached like a point where it was time to go to school. And so I was entering the heart, the beast that actually like conditions people to enter this mediocracy, like age. 268 00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:50,000 And I knew that it was going to be tough. I knew it was going to be tough, but I just thought that I was going to be able to like stroll right through it. 269 00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:58,000 And even during summer, I was writing my journal like I just want to drop out of school, even before school even started, I just wanted to drop out of school. 270 00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:08,000 But then there was this one nice thing of the novelty. Once school actually started, I actually enjoyed it because it was novel. 271 00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:20,000 It was like the new thing at the time, which always happens every single school year, every single semester. I enjoy it because like in the beginning first couple weeks, I enjoy it because it's it's new. 272 00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:29,000 And I'm like, oh, this stuff is actually good. But then after a few weeks, I get into the monotony and then I hate it again. 273 00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:41,000 So I realized like, okay, this probably going to suck. And even like a couple weeks ago, I was telling my friend like this is going to be the hardest time of my life mentally ever. 274 00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:49,000 Because I have been on this like downhill or one could say uphill because I'm increasing my conscious awareness. 275 00:44:49,000 --> 00:45:03,000 But then it's also downhill because I'm becoming more aware of this stuff. And it's actually like affecting me a lot more because now I have to build up my mental fortitude to protect myself and like become ignorant to it again. 276 00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:08,000 Even though I know it and I see it all around me. 277 00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:16,000 And now I've gotten to the point where I just see it constantly and I've built up walls around myself like I've built up barriers like 278 00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:25,000 a lot of times I am prepared to see mediocrity around me. And I'm just like, over the past couple weeks, I've just been like ignoring it. 279 00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:36,000 But there are days, especially on days when my quality of sleep was not like perfect the night before and I wake up where my mind is not very controlled. 280 00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:45,000 Like I don't have much control over my mind. Those days I see it and I just it starts irritating me and I start like constantly thinking about it. 281 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:56,000 And just like thinking about making a confrontation, like confronting the mediocrity around me and like asking why you can't just be great. 282 00:45:56,000 --> 00:46:02,000 Why you can't just be a good role model and be a good influence. 283 00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:07,000 And so it's been a really tough battle over the past couple months. 284 00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:18,000 And I suspect that it's probably just going to get worse and worse from here. But then again, I'm just as I said that phrase as that phrase came out of my mouth. 285 00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:27,000 I just became conscious of maybe I'm choosing for this to get worse and worse because the world is a mirror and it reflects your relationship to it. 286 00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:43,000 So if I'm perceiving all this bad stuff around me, like yeah, do a good job sometimes putting up a wall and like trying to protect myself from like the disgusting horror around me. 287 00:46:43,000 --> 00:47:01,000 But then if I'm like if these moments creep in where I'm just like, I think that it's getting worse and worse like I just spent the whole past hour or past 45 minutes talking about how my life is going down a hill right now. 288 00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:17,000 And that's kind of like the burden that's been placed on me ever since I started reading Transurfing. I had to like I've become knowledgeable and aware and conscious of all of this like mental stuff. 289 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:26,000 So I know like exactly like every single thought that enters my mind I know if it's a good or bad for my future. 290 00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:33,000 And so it's kind of like a burden because sometimes I'm just like my mind gets out of control. 291 00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:43,000 And then I feel like a complete failure and a loser like I'm not going to achieve my goals because I didn't control my mind for that one moment. 292 00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:58,000 So it's kind of like a burden and I know that that's probably not like the right thing because I remember one part of the book where he said to allow yourself to make mistakes every once in a while. 293 00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:05,000 Like don't try and be perfect because you're not going to be perfect. So just allow yourself to make mistakes. 294 00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:15,000 And he did repeat that quite a few times if I remember correctly. And I just like it's when I'm in the day to day. 295 00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:29,000 I just find that my mental is like moments when I'm scattered my mind is scattered or moments when my mind is thinking bad thoughts that are not going to positively affect my future. 296 00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:37,000 I just feel like I'm like going to be stuck here forever. 297 00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:47,000 But then there's this one random thought that popped up earlier today when I was like, OK, well I had this good run over these past couple months. 298 00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:57,000 And then I just started going downhill over the past day. So the world is mirror with a delay and I've held up this strong image for the past couple months. 299 00:48:57,000 --> 00:49:02,000 And this one day this may not actually affect it that bad. 300 00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:10,000 It tainted a little taint the image a little bit but maybe not. 301 00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:16,000 So I feel like all of this stuff is leaning to one conclusion. 302 00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:19,000 Maybe I should just reread Transurfing again for the third time. 303 00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:30,000 Maybe that's the solution to this whole thing because I'm trying to read all these new books. Yeah, they're good. 304 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:39,000 But I'm also trying to keep a constant flow of just information and content for you guys. 305 00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:49,000 And it's like when I don't have information like today, I just feel like a failure and I feel like I lost. 306 00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:54,000 Like yesterday's notes was literally like three lines. 307 00:49:54,000 --> 00:50:06,000 That's it. Today's notes was a lot more because I turned a bad thing into a good thing where I'm actually telling you guys about all this bad stuff that's going on right now. 308 00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:13,000 And like all the loneliness, like I actually feel really lonely. 309 00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:26,000 And maybe it's something because the one friend that I had was on the right path with me, Franklin. 310 00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:31,000 And we were on the right path and then we kind of slowly started to go our own paths. 311 00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:43,000 And lately I've been disagreeing with what he's doing, which to be honest, it's not like, it's just my mind trying to place control over the situation. 312 00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:53,000 And so we're both going our own paths. So I slowly just started to just phase them out and start to like just focus on my own stuff. 313 00:50:53,000 --> 00:51:06,000 Maybe that's another thing, maybe me losing that peace, the one person that I had to talk to. Maybe that's another bad thing. 314 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:23,000 Let me get some water. 315 00:51:23,000 --> 00:51:31,000 Maybe I should re-transurfing. That seems like the only solution that I can think of right now. 316 00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:37,000 Re-re-transurfing, get some more content. 317 00:51:37,000 --> 00:51:40,000 But then I also want to read these books. 318 00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:45,000 And if I re-re-transurfing, I don't know if I'll ever get to these new books. 319 00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:52,000 Because these books for so long, even while I was reading Transurfing, I wanted to read these books. 320 00:51:52,000 --> 00:52:00,000 And now that they're actually in my closet, I'm struggling. 321 00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:08,000 Maybe I just chose the wrong one to start with. Maybe Die Wise was not the best book to read in the beginning. 322 00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:14,000 Because there's a lot of like concepts that I don't really have background knowledge for. 323 00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:19,000 And I kind of just got thrown into the belly of the beast. 324 00:52:19,000 --> 00:52:32,000 And I'm talking about death, talking about how we live in a culture where people know that everyone else will die, but they don't necessarily know that they will die. 325 00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:43,000 Like yeah, they understand that they'll die, but their actions and their beliefs and worldview reflects otherwise. 326 00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:54,000 And I'm just becoming conscious, even I just realized that every day I wake up just expecting to live. 327 00:52:54,000 --> 00:53:02,000 I never give it a second thought. I don't even think it doesn't even pass my mind if I'll live or not today. 328 00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:13,000 Like I always just, it's gotten like, and everyone, I feel like everyone's like this in our society where you just wake up and go on with your day. 329 00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:19,000 You don't even think about whether you're living or not because you just feel like it's like granted. 330 00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:24,000 It's like a guarantee when it's not. 331 00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:48,000 And there was one like tribal leader or some person that he talked about in the book, Die Wise, where one guy from like a native culture or some other like more natural or just some other culture that was not Western society. 332 00:53:48,000 --> 00:54:05,000 He basically said that by like most people in your in your society, like Western civilization society, go to like, they just wake up and they never think about whether or not they'll live. 333 00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:09,000 Like they just think up, they wake up expecting to live. 334 00:54:09,000 --> 00:54:21,000 And he said like he feels deeply sorry for that deeply sorry for them, deeply sorry for me and us and everyone around in this society. 335 00:54:21,000 --> 00:54:28,000 Because this is actually extremely negative for our quality of life. Apparently. 336 00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:31,000 I don't really know how. 337 00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:42,000 But that's, I think that I'm just starting to get into the part I'm just, I just got to chapter three, like this morning. 338 00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:50,000 And chapter one and two were basically just about like palliative care. 339 00:54:50,000 --> 00:54:55,000 See, I don't even remember that much of it. 340 00:54:55,000 --> 00:55:17,000 But he was just starting to talk about how when you die, like most people in our society die fighting like they die trying to fight death, which means that they're trying to like fight something that is a natural part. 341 00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:31,000 See, I'm not really good at explaining this, because I'm not like very knowledgeable at this concept right now. But pretty much if you try to fight your death, then you're trying, you're basically denying it. 342 00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:40,000 And that's why, like if you've ever heard after a long and courageous fight, that's exactly what people are doing. 343 00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:47,000 And when you fight death, you basically interpret your death as an executioner. 344 00:55:47,000 --> 00:55:52,000 So there's two options. Interpreter your death as an angel or an executioner. 345 00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:58,000 And when you fight it, you interpret it as an executioner, something that you have to fight. 346 00:55:58,000 --> 00:56:05,000 Or you can wrestle with your death and that will be an angel, which is a lot better. That's how you die wise. 347 00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:16,000 There's also another thing, people try to find the meaning at the end of their life. People try and find like God or the meaning of their life when they're dying. 348 00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:26,000 But that's an issue because they never actually created their own meaning. 349 00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:45,000 Like there is no meaning to see. There was one story that he told, like this old folklore or something like that, where the gods created humanity and made it so there was no meaning. 350 00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:51,000 And they made it so humans actually had to create their own meaning, but humans didn't know. 351 00:56:51,000 --> 00:57:00,000 And so they were like searching all around for the meaning of life when in reality they just had to create the meaning themselves. 352 00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:07,000 Like they were the creator of their own meaning of their own life. And then it was basically like entertainment to the gods. 353 00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:17,000 So that story teaches the lesson that you should create your own. You should live life by creating your own, like the meaning of your life. 354 00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:24,000 I don't really know how to do that. And I don't really know what that means 100% yet. 355 00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:29,000 But I suspect that these following chapters are going to be about that. 356 00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:36,000 And creating like... 357 00:57:36,000 --> 00:57:50,000 Okay, so most people die like a bad death in our society because they try to find the meaning when in reality they never actually created the meaning of their life during their life. 358 00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:56,000 And so if they didn't do that during their life, then they can't expect to actually die well. 359 00:57:56,000 --> 00:58:02,000 Their death is going to be very tragic. It's not going to be as great. 360 00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:11,000 So what you do to prevent that or what you do to actually have a meaningful death is to have a meaningful life. 361 00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:14,000 And that's like, that's where I'm at right now in the book. 362 00:58:14,000 --> 00:58:20,000 Create a meaningful life. And he hasn't really gotten into how to actually do that. 363 00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:25,000 I suspect the next chapter will be about that. But who knows. 364 00:58:25,000 --> 00:58:27,000 That's like... 365 00:58:27,000 --> 00:58:29,000 That's like what I'm at. 366 00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:36,000 So all these notes that I wrote today, I'm checking my notes to make sure that I talked about everything. 367 00:58:36,000 --> 00:58:40,000 And it looks like I did, but there's one thing. 368 00:58:40,000 --> 00:58:47,000 I want to touch for the last minute of this episode, I want to touch about loneliness again. 369 00:58:47,000 --> 00:58:51,000 There's like no one... 370 00:58:51,000 --> 00:59:04,000 I don't know. Okay. I'm surrounded by a lot of people, but I don't really feel connected with them because I just feel distant. 371 00:59:04,000 --> 00:59:09,000 Because they just seem like on a different planet. 372 00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:14,000 Because they're in like the matrix and I'm just trying to escape the matrix and I don't... 373 00:59:14,000 --> 00:59:16,000 Like that's the best way I can explain it. 374 00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:23,000 And I wrote down a sea of average and then there is you all alone. 375 00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:29,000 Like I'm in a sea of mediocracy, a whole ocean of mediocracy. 376 00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:34,000 There's like one picture that I saw one time on like... 377 00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:37,000 It was like a Google stock, like a stock Google image. 378 00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:50,000 And it was like a bunch of yellow people icons, like just people symbols, a bunch of yellow people in like a crowd. 379 00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:53,000 And then there was one red person. 380 00:59:53,000 --> 00:59:55,000 So that's kind of what I feel like right now. 381 00:59:55,000 --> 00:59:59,000 I just feel like a complete outlier, a complete outcast. 382 00:59:59,000 --> 01:00:03,000 And it's very lonely. There's no one really to talk to about it. 383 01:00:03,000 --> 01:00:18,000 And I suspect or what I've been working so trying to break free and trying to become financially free is so I can actually find people around me and surround myself with like-minded individuals. 384 01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:21,000 But that's it for today's episode. 385 01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:34,000 So follow for more if you're interested and have a good day.